I've started digging myself a hole.
This was your choice, not mine.
If you complain about my actions, the hole will serve its purpose.
But it was your choice -- not mine.



"This passion drowns our need for love."
-craig

maybe thats what I really need...a passion THAT strong.

I've scrounged dirt. To this point I still know what I want but its so hard to hit the target. So fucking hard. But still I'll try. And you know what...I think I may be closer then one would guess.

I feel alone.
I know everyone is still there. But regardless I feel so damn alone.
Talk is expensive lately -- its as uncommon as oil, and $4.00/gallon for gas is not cheap...

I apologize for the lack of my updates. Expect to see more updates more frequently.
But where to start -- I have cleaned up my lifestyle since I have returned home from school drastically, I have been working every weekday, and I am about to go over to Europe within the next two weeks.

Its interesting, life has been getting better and better. I've been much healthier as of lately. Yet everything is starting to unwind. Have you ever looked into the mirror, starred into your eyes, and took a dive into yourself? I did that today, and I can tell you, today I liked what I saw.

This weekend the Juliet of my last three years is coming to visit me. This is going to be something much different then usual. Its either going to push us away from each other, or pull us closer. I wouldn't mind being pulled in her direction; I feel as far as ever. I feel like I don't even know her anymore. But then again, do I even know myself? I am starting to think I know myself better then ever before. Bring on the the days to come, I am ready.

Sometimes it is so hard for me to fall asleep. I am unsure as of why, but inner feelings sometimes having me thinking these sleepless nights are because, something is going on that very moment that would bother me if I knew about it. I know this is just stupid to believe in something such as this, but in this case it can quite possibly be the truth.

I kind of want to read or write right now. Reading would be great right now, but the light next to my bed is out, it has been out for a little while now. I get most of my reading done during they day time as of lately.

at 4:28AM i officially realized i am happy with my body and health. I dont think ive ever been more happy about myself

I want to be with her so bad.

I need to stop being like a child obsessing over a fantasy, and snap back into reality.

is anybody out there worth falling in love with??

:(

I wrote and recorded a demo during the summer of my last year in highschool. It featured a friend on guitar and I produced it, sang it, and wrote the vocals.

Despite being the biggest piece of shit ever written in an industry that is already filled with shit, I feel I am going to give this song another try.

I wrote it at the end of my relationship with a girl by the name of Agnes. I dont have the original lyrics, but do remember part of the chorus.

"i guess its time to give up, theres nothing left in this one
you lost yourself out there one last time
due to your uncertainty my theory came true
I was lost and so were you"


Lets get this started!

funfunfun

So I just got finished reading a book by Paula J. Caproni on Management Skills.

"We need to depend on trust - a leap of faith - only if we do not have all the information about a person or situation and if we cannot completely control the outcome. If we have complete knowledge and control of a situation, we have no need to trust because we can anticipate and ensure the outcome that we desire."
-Paula J Caproni

Anyone want to discuss this?

It's true what they say about life not being fair or whatever bullshit was drilled into your brain ever since your birth. In the last month my relationship with who was once the love of my life, or so I thought, has diminished to an all time rock bottom. I am not okay. I am pretending to be at this moment. Who knows, maybe I really need to get over this girl finally. I am not proud of myself lately as well. I've been overly agressive and have little patience for society as a whole as well as individually. If I didn't know better, I'd conclude that my penis is slowly deciding to shrivel up in to what would resemble a stale rotten vagina. But maybe this is actually quite the opposite, this is in fact a quest that only has one end point and that is manhood.